Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
