Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
