If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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