Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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