i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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