Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
