At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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