Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
