Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
