so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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