Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
