Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
