Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
