i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
