I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
