she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
