chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
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Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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