Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
