I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
