She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
