Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
