Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
