she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
