I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
