If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
