So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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