Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
