After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
