Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
