My brain says no but my pants say off.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
