his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
