Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize