I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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