no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
