my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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