so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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