My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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