It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
