i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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