A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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