I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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