When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
