hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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