i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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