Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
