I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Are my feet made of real feet?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
