her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
