She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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