But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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