The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
