Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
