Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
