Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
